Day Five

Wasn’t expecting this to be the best of days. Did help that A popped in for a chat last night, was very proud that I didn’t go into what had happened – its my problem and not his, and for once I managed to keep it to myself.

Got a call from slate her, Gordon telling me not to use twitter anymore for contact and that I will have to wait till Monday until I get my money. Thank gosh the motel here is very understanding, they didn’t even want to read the letter that I got slate her to send as proof.

Then I got a call from S from Social Services, got a change to vent my problems, and also am going to have an assessment – again – on Wednesday. So have contacted Kingston asking for a copy of the one that I had in December – lets guess what will happen / Ignored!

Sent a letter to the council asking once again about housing. Now that the GP has been so supportive I cannot afford to lose him so am looking for housing inside the catchment area. Furthermore A has said he is happy to come live there, with his only requirement to order the Tesco food, be there when it turns up and has even offered to help make sure that I get something to eat each day. Using previous experience have made sure that he doesn’t think that there is more than that to be done. Cos there isn’t. I just cannot take care of the simple things. Doing do uses up so much energy I cannot do what I was made to do, let alone what I want to do.

However, I have stressed that his life is still to continue. His work, his friends and if something comes up he needs to put it first, as he must remember that so far he could be falling for a pile of shit coming out of a mouth of someone twice his age. It was strange, listening to him later that night be worried that at 25 he has nothing to show for his life. And there I am, sitting there exactly the same, just with almost twice the age. So I tried to get through to him that he does have something, something that most people don’t have – the drive/want for more/better. Why? Because its what I have. Its what allows to be stuck in one room for nearly two months, hardly any of the possession I had – yet this believe, Positive Mental Reinforcement, is what allows me to keep on going. Not a belief that I am due something for nothing, far from it, A knowledge that I have many times come back from nothing. The only difference now is that I have to deal with being broken, which is a two sided sword – I now know my weaknesses – but I also know my strengths are stronger than I thought. That I no longer have people around me telling me to stop being so stupid with the thoughts that I used to risk sharing.

All I have to do now, is make it happen. Cool, that I can deal with. And repeat.

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