Day Four

Whilst not getting much done yesterday, I did have a wonderful experience at the doctors. I believe the word to use is compassion. He took time to speak about my situation, what I am doing, what needs to be done. Most importantly he treated me like an adult. Amazing. I got to keep the Valium I was worried he would take back, as they are twice the strength of what the other doctor allowed, and wouldn’t budge on changing. Now I must try and use them tonight, rather than alcohol.

I hate the fact that I drink, yet I really like Bourbon. I used to drink single malt, at least 10 years and ones never beginning with G. Then I found Bourbon. Not sure what I prefer about it, just do. Then there is the catch 22. I hate to admit I like the drunk feeling it gives, the release that comes with it – yet I do. Amazon even delivers my favourite – Bulleit Bourbon. I did my best to only drink half a bottle, however, when awaking this morning I find that wasn’t the case – more like 800%. Oh well, cannot get anymore today so I guess that means the pills – having made sure that I leave enough time in between switching meds.

Tried to make today start better than yesterday and I like to think that I have. First part of the morning, ending up far longer than I thought / wanted was spent on Twitter. I cannot praise it enough for putting one in contact with people whom one can connect with – people who don’t judge, offer support and even have pain that is the same / this need for feeling part of Your World.

Now I am to spend the next part finishing up my Police document to send off to the lawyers to see what sort of issues they can help with. Its been a bloody trial getting it all down. Having to relive the pain of each issue plus remember how my circumstance seem to be the same, yet one or two years have passed.

Somehow have to turn that into the energy to fight more, fight harder, just to keep going. Now I have a place to stay that is helping with the resting, now I have even made a friend, its slowly, possible, coming together. Yet if I falter at any time, if I run out of strength, then its all going to unwind around me. Which I cannot let happen, however, the strength left in me after this five year battle is very low. Fortunately not low enough to stop me keep on going – even if only for a little more. Cos how much more I need is an unknown. It could just be a little, or it could be more than I’ve already expelled. Yeah, deal with it sunshine and stop whining, that gets nothing done.

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